By UTF Staff
Here’s something you’ve probably been hearing a lot lately: “2016 was the worst year EVER!!”
Yeah, well, maybe. Especially if you weren’t alive during the Great Depression, WWII, the Civil Rights Movement, or basically any year before indoor plumbing systems and insulated housing.
But we’re not just interested in the “What” here at UTF, but more on the “Why”.
As such, we’ve gathered 7 of 2016’s biggest offenders.
(Warning: We are aware that many terrible things in 2016 had to do with political issues, so we tried to stay away from that as much as possible. If you would like very opinionated posts on politics, please refer to your nearest family member’s Facebook feed.)
Let’s get to it!
Have you ever had one of those old friends who starts trying really hard to impress people with ridiculous antics? To the point that they embarrass themselves (and you)?
Yeah, well, that’s how I viewed Burger King this year.
I used to work at Burger King in high school. It was actually my first job.
We went through a lot together during those three months. I laughed, I sweated, I sweated some more, and I ate copious amounts of unauthorized free food.
When I see BK these days, all I can do is shake my head in disappointment.
But it didn’t end there. A Burger King in Finland opened a spa.
…Why? Who in their right mind would go to a Spa that’s owned by a fast food restaurant so greasy that you glide across the floor when you walk in?
BUT WAIT: there’s more!
While the Spa concept might get a pass due to sheer absurdity, there was little excuse for for BK’s biggest sin:
Hot. Dogs. At….BURGER FUCKING KING.
The only saving grace for this abomination was the fact that Snoop Dogg starred in the company’s ACTUAL TRAINING VIDEO on how to prepare them.
This would be pretty funny, but the fact that BK made a fuss over the video getting outside restaurant walls shows that they actually took the whole ordeal much more seriously than we think….and more seriously than literally anybody should. Ever.
Burger King…bro…you’ve changed.
Pokemon Go, Going, Gone
Among the things we were looking forward to in 2016, Pokemon Go was high on the list for anyone even mildly interested in the children’s games or TV series.
Fueled by nostalgia for most, it seemed like everyone and their mother had started their journey to catch em all after Niantic released the game in July.
As of December, the mobile game has spread to 126 countries. Since August, Pokemon Go has over 20 million daily users and over 34 million downloads in the US alone (see Business of Apps article).
The game became so popular in the past 6 months that it’s already exceeded the Facebook giant Candy Crush in daily usage.
Then, shortly after the release, this happened:
One of the problems with Pokemon Go’s explosive growth is that the servers simply couldn’t keep up. Server issues can be a major deterrent for someone who just wants to pick up the game and play for a couple minutes at a time.
(*ahem*)— Which brings us to the larger issue at hand:
The main problem for adults who play Pokemon Go is that it’s a major timesuck.
Given that the original release of Pokemon Red/Blue was in September 1998, a large portion of the series’ fanbase is now of the age where many are exploring their early careers.
Going on Pokemon walks (ha, dorks), collecting 400 Psyducks to get one… measly… Golduck, and grinding out a somewhat decent collection of virtual companions takes a lot of fucking time.
Between the faulty gameplay and the sheer amount of hours it takes to raise your favorite Pokemon, Pokemon Go was a colossal Wailmer of a disappointment for long-time fans, such as the writers here at UTF.
To put it simply, it’s not as enjoyable for people who have a variety of life obligations. For that reason, I maintain my earlier statement from after the release:
Pokemon Go sucks.
Samsung’s Fireball Jutsu Phones
Samsung has long been my personal choice for smartphones.
They stepped it up in the last couple years with a few amazing phones; at least on par with the newest iPhone, and in some cases a lot better.
PLUS! You have real options.
You could buy the iPhone clone, a uselessly bigger model for your mom, or an unnecessarily tough model for your Mexican dad who always breaks them while pretending he’s a trained carpenter/blacksmith/architect.
Still, they fucked up. Big time.
Lithium Ion Battery fires aren’t really that rare, but Samsung underestimated how big the issue was. They recalled only a portion of the affected Note 7s, and then some of the replacements started to catch fire too.
They did eventually recall all of the phones, but at that point there had been at least 100 cases of battery fire incidents.
The issue was so big that a crew on a flight recently freaked out when a Wi-Fi hot spot showed up as “Galaxy Note 7”.
Way to kill any trust, Samsung.
Now, who can tell me what the next big smartphone hype train is?
The iPhone 7 Removing the Aux Jack
You know what company has gotten REALLY good at giving us things we don’t want?
In September, the iPhone 7 came out. And guess what: there was only one port.
And guess what else: there were no other alternatives. If you wanted an iPhone 7, you had to say goodbye to any accessory that ever used the 3.5mm cable.
Everybody knows that half the fun of Uber/Lyft was taking over the aux and playing slaps on the way to the club.
Don’t get me wrong. Nobody has any issues with the lighting cable. I doubt many people even remembered when iPhones made the switch to them.
However, since there’s only one port, someone using the 7 will be shit out of luck if they ever want to charge their phone and play music at the same time.
Apple’s (and Apple fanboys’) response? “Oh, just buy this adapter!”
….Why? Why is there no audio jack to begin with? To make the phone unnoticeably thinner? If you love the fucking lighting cable so bad, why not just include two on the phone?
As you could have guessed, I don’t have the iPhone 7. I probably never will. You wanna know why?
Because I love hopping into Gertrude’s 2004 Honda Accord on the way to Temple SF and playing “Blue Hunnids” by Kool John really, really fucking loudly.
Speaking of which:
What can we really say about Kanye’s 2016 that J Cole didn’t already say in “False Prophets”?
Well…nothing. Shayne touched on this, actually, during his Favorite Singles of 2016 list:
“We can sit here and talk about this song being about Kanye West until we’re blue in the face
But what really made False Prophets work for me wasn’t the fact that Cole retells his relationship with West, but how he also echos the same sentiments that practically every Kanye West fan has been feeling recently.
However, his chronicling of Yeezy’s downfall doesn’t carry an overwhelming sense of anger, but what we all feel when a hero lets us down: melancholic disappointment.
This isn’t really a song that we say “Fuck Kanye!” to, but one that just has us shaking our heads slowly, whispering “Damn”.
So, in case you missed it, here’s J Cole’s recap of Yeezy’s 2016.
Bore Beasts And Where To Find Them
I’m not quite sure if this was actually a “Disappointment”, since my expectations were already low going into it. It looked like a spinoff nobody asked for about characters nobody ever cared about.
But, ya know, hardcore fans always have rose-colored glasses on when it comes to Harry Potter, so the hype train was roaring through Fall with this movie.
I didn’t even plan on seeing it, but my sister and I were both really bored during Thanksgiving break and needed something to do.
The result? Us leaving with 30 minutes to go and asking for a refund.
The only other movie I walked out of this year was “The Secret Life of Pets”.
Yeah, that’s right. “Fantastic Beasts” is on the same level of a Dreamworks ripoff of Toy Story.
The reason why is simple: the movie was boring as fuck.
I rarely knew what was going on, and when I did, I didn’t care.
The characters were forgettable, the premise was generic, and it lacked the charm and sense of wonder that made the original heptalogy (Actually a word! Crazy, right?) so successful.
“Oh, but Shayne, it introduced the American Wizarding World!”
…Uhm, so? The American Wizards didn’t factor in at all to Harry’s saga, so why should I care? If anything, this creates more questions than answers:
Why didn’t they factor in at all?
Did they care?
Wasn’t there bound to be an American version of Dumbledore that was also really strong? Sounds like he/she could have been a big help.
“Oh, but Shayne, this is going to be a 5-part series that leads up to the original hepto….hepte….heptalogy!”
Again: Why? Why not just skip straight to that part, instead of telling a story that NOBODY CARES ABOUT??
Oh, I remember. It’s because movie studios love cashing in on loyal fan bases and their tragically chronic nostalgia. Silly me.
The joke’s actually on the film studio, because now they have to make four more movies with these bland characters. Suckers!
Can I just drop a history book here?
Too much? Okay. Let’s try to keep this somewhat chronological.
In February, Beyonce performed at the Super Bowl and dropped Formation. White People cried that it was racist.
In March Obama nominated Merrick Garland for the Supreme Court, and the Senate refused to vote. They still haven’t voted. (Since the Senate is 80% white, I’m putting this on them too.)
In June this below average white girl took a case of “But I’m better than the colored people” all the way to the Supreme Court.
In July White America’s sweetheart, Taylor “Snek” Swift, claimed that known meanie-head, Kanye West, was victimizing her over a song she okayed.
Also, Dallas and the “Blue Lives Matter” bullshit.
In August Ryan Lochte made up a story about being attacked and robbed in Brazil after he drunkenly got into a fight.
In November white people elected Donald Trump as the next President of the US.
I’d keep going and fill in a few more, but really White people handed the world the biggest of L’s with Trump.
What could be more disappointing?
Whoa. Way to go, Marcos. I think we’ll go ahead and end on that note.
Happy New Year, everyone! Thanks for supporting Under the Fridge this year. We really appreciate it, and look forward to doing some more fun stuff in 2017.
Thanks again, stay safe, and remember: if you have to question whether he/she is a hoe, you’re probably right!