10 Pokemon Shayne Despises (Gen I-III)
By Shayne Paladin
The recent frenzy over “Pokemon Go” has flooded my social media feeds with pictures of Pokemon in just about every setting imaginable.
Sure, it was fun to see at first, maybe even creative at times. However, the more I saw, the more annoyed I got. It progressed to the point where I didn’t even want to go on Instagram anymore, for fear of seeing another picture of someone petting a stupid Pidgey on a coffee table.
At this point, I’m pretty damn pissed off. But I’ve also vowed not to write about that parasitic app, which has only frustrated me more. So I decided to channel my frustration and talk about several Pokemon that have inspired an equal amount of ire within me over the years.
That should work, right?
Here are 10 Pokemon that I despise, from Gen 1 to Gen III:
1. Dugtrio
While everyone (understandably) LOVES Gen 1, we have to admit that certain Pokemon were sorely lacking in the creativity department.
The worst offender is Dugtrio, which is literally just three Digletts in close proximity. How can that even be considered an evolution? HOW, SWAY??
I will admit that its name is quite creative, though (Dig-lett/Dug-trio), but that’s ALL I’ll give it.
I know Magneton is a similar case, but it’s at least usable. Dugtrio’s base stat is a measly 405.
Bleh.
2. Geodude
If you put down the nostalgia goggles, you’ll realize that Geodude is pretty stupid. It’s just a rock with a face and arms.
Here’s something that confuses me: what happens when Geodude uses Rock Throw? Does it throw itself? Wouldn’t that just be Tackle?
Geodude also reminds me of how few friends I had growing up who played Pokemon, since I’ve never owned a Golem. So thanks for making me re-live my lonely childhood, you damn rock…face…thingy.
3. Exeggcute
The only thing harder than spelling this Pokemon’s name is wondering why anyone would be afraid of a bunch of eggs with Vegeta faces.
And here’s what really makes my piss boil: Exeggcute can learn Strength, which means that it can move large boulders in-game.
Just let that sink in…a F*CKING GROUP OF CRACKED EGGS CAN MOVE AN ENTIRE BOULDER.
Screw you, Execute….or Eggsecute…or however you spell your damn name.
4. Jynx
Jynx already got off on the wrong foot by being a racial stereotype (see below). But it takes more than being blatantly offensive to get on this list.
…Well, that’s not entirely true, but there’s more I have to say, so just go with it.
Anyway, even after the correction to its skin color, Jynx still has an uncomfortably goofy design. It reminds me more of someone’s single Aunt during the 80s rather than a Pokemon. I actually think that its pre-evolved form, Smoochum, looks much better (more on Baby Pokemon in a bit).
It’s crappy 455 base stat ensures that this blonde blunder is only useful for finding Articuno in Pokemon Snap.
5. Flareon
*Sigh*….Do I really need to talk about this let-down again?
Those of you who read my ranking of the Eeveelutions know how much I despise Flareon. Those who didn’t….don’t, but I’ll say it again anyway.
Flareon is built to be a physical Pokemon, with Attack as its highest stat. So, you’d think that it’d know a good amount of physical fire attacks right?
Especially since the pool of potential moves includes Flame Charge, Flame Wheel, Heat Crash, and Blaze Kick.
Well if TWO F*CKING ATTACKS (Fire Fang and Flare Blitz) is your idea of a “good amount”, then sure!
But for anyone else with half a brain, Flareon is one of the most disappointingly useless Pokemon ever, and I hope to NEVER need to speak of it again.
6. Most baby Pokemon
I’m grouping these together because there’s about 18 of ‘em–and most suck.
I’m excluding both Togepi and Tyrogue from this group, though, since Togepi was the 1st baby Pokemon most of us saw and Tyrogue’s evolution process is rather engaging (can evolve into either Hitmonchan, Hitmonlee, or Hitmontop).
Now, I get that cuteness is a big selling point for Pokemon, which is why we continue to see small, cuddly varieties being introduced every generation. The franchise is giving a large portion of its fanbase what it wants. I have no problem with this.
My problem has more to do with the concept of Baby Pokemon. Why create an entire subdivision of incredibly weak Pokemon when you could just make them cute first evolutions?
Some examples are Hoppip, Wooper, Seedot, and Skitty.
Some will argue that Baby Pokemon let the series give pre-evolved forms of old favorites, like Magmar and Elekid. But considering how Gen IV started giving older Pokemon post-evolved forms without needing to create an entire subdivision, I’m not really buying that reasoning.
Anyway, Baby Pokemon suck. The end.
7. Dunsparce
If there’s any Pokemon that I’d like to delete from history, it would be Dunsparce.
Actually–never mind that, since most people forget it exists anyway.
Dunsparce is a Normal type Pokemon introduced in Generation II that doesn’t evolve from or into anything. It doesn’t have a unique ability, and has no in-game significance besides being hard to find.
There is absolutely. Zero. Reason. Why. It. Exists.
“Oh, but Shayne, Dunsparce can learn a variety of elemental attacks like Flamethrower and Ice Beam”
Who cares! Its base stat total is 415, which is BARELY higher than Ponyta’s!
Dunsparce is just a big black mark in an otherwise flawless Gen II.
Oh, and in case anyone thinks Dusnsparce is cute, consider this: the damn thing is nearly 5 feet tall.
Disgusting.
8. Flygon
Have you ever spent a long time trying to date someone, only to find out that they’re actually about 65% as interesting and cool as you thought?
If so, then you’ve thoroughly felt what it’s like to own a Flygon.
After dragging Flygon’s first form, Trapinch, through 35 levels of frustration, you’ll get Vibrava.
Vibrava is cool. It looks cool, gains the Dragon typing, and immediately learns Dragon Breath. After 10 more levels, Vibrava evolves into Flygon. And how do we react once we’ve finally acquired it?
Meh.
Flygon is decent, but the overall payoff is just underwhelming.
Don’t get me wrong–Flygon is strong, but it’s just not as strong as other late-evolving Pokemon, like Dragonite and Metagross.
It’s just a big letdown to spend so much time evolving a Pokemon that was entirely outclassed by Garchomp just one generation ever.
The fact that Flygon STILL hasn’t received Mega Evolution just solidifies that the goggle-wearing dragon is obsolete, and not worth the hassle it takes to get one.
So much wasted potential–just like my ex girlfriend.
9. Glalie
God, this thing is ugly.
Its pre-evolution, Snorunt, actually looks pretty damn cool.
What went wrong? Did somebody think turning the Eskimo-inspired Snorunt into a possessed snowball was a good idea?
Glalie’s design embodies my main issue with Gen III as a whole. Many of the Pokemon from RSE were just so creatively ugly (if that makes any sense).
The eventual addition of the beautiful Froslass helped give hope to Snorunt owners, but it didn’t change the fact that Glalie looks like the goddamn Devil.
10. Chimecho
Chimecho was a very rare Pokemon in Gen III. You could only find one at the top of Mt. Pyre, and the chances of seeing one once you were up there were a measly 2%.
Everyone at school would talk about catching it, and whoever was able to do it was the coolest kid around.
After enough time, I was able to finally get my hands on one. And what did I discover?
I discovered that Chimecho is just a bell…full of shit.
No special ability, no signature move, and no significance to the plot.
It is a fully evolved Pokemon with a 425 base stat and Psychic typing– a type that usually gets owned if it isn’t super fast. Chimecho is not super fast. It’s not super anything (besides shitty).
What’s that? It learns Synchronoise at level 52? That’s cool, but WHY THE F*CK WOULD I HAVE A LEVEL 52 CHIMECHO??
Man, this list sure knows hot to piss me off..
Thanks for reading!
Shayne clearly used this article as an outlet for other frustrations in his life.