If you’re new here, welcome back! If you’re not: welcome!
I know the tone of this post so far seems rather friendly for UTF, but that’s only because we’re getting into some sardonic shit today.
The Internet (or “Teh Interwebz” or “The Wired”) allows people to meticulously craft their own online presence.
Most of us are pretty normal, boring, bland people in the real world. For some, going online is equivalent of Superman going into the phone booth, in the sense that they take on an entirely different persona once they’re on the World Wide Web.
Some of these personas are a bit more prevalent and common than others.
They can also be really, really annoying.
I’m here to talk about those.
Let’s take a look at the 10 Most Common, shall we?
The Facebook Lawyer
This person isn’t actually in Law School or a real Lawyer, because those people have better things to do.
Rather, a Facebook Lawyer is someone who lurks comment sections and forums in search of arguments…or, as they like to call them, “debates”.
The hope is that they’ll stumble across something they disagree with and instigate a tradeoff of multi-paragraph rebuttals, using terms like “logic”, “valid”, “proof”, and “facts” to semantically disarm their opponents and prove them wrong.
For some reason, FBL’s are under the delusion that the proceedings of a courtroom apply to everyday life.
Spoiler: They don’t.
They also think that there’s some sort of prize to be won by proving someone wrong on the internet.
Spoiler #2: There isn’t.
In summary, the FBL fails to account for the shades of grey in life, like emotions or past experience, and think that being logically correct is the only reason for human interaction. Which is why they have no friends and all this free time to argue with strangers.
This person just freaking LOVES to post about how broke they are, how unhealthy their eating habits are, or how abysmally dismal their dating life is.
Hey, I get it. Self-deprecating humor can be pretty funny and doesn’t offend anyone. It’s one of the foundations of my “Shayne” character.
But at a certain point, people are going to stop laughing at the pizza memes or whatever and start worrying about the person’s insulin levels.
Because nothing is funny about diabetes…other than the dark humor in someone giving themselves diabetes in pursuit of useless likes.
The worst part about a Mr/Mrs Self-Deprecation is that they see their crapass lifestyle and emotional immaturity as some sort of trophy.
Eating ice cream and sitting on a couch all day while watching Netflix is something most people like to joke about, because we all do it occasionally.
Someone who does this consistently is a loser. Nobody wants to be friends with a loser.
Mr/Mrs. “Look How Many People Want Me”
The only thing worse than talking about how nobody wants you is talking about how everyone wants you.
This person clearly didn’t get the memo, because you’ll find their feed full of stories detailing how they turned people down and/or screenshots from dating apps of them getting hit on.
The latter one is especially interesting, since there’s already a common denominator of embarrassment and desperation with using dating apps to begin with.
So, making fun of someone’s pickup line by calling them desperate doesn’t make much sense if you’re interacting with them on an app made for desperate people.
Also, most apps require both people to “like” one another in order to start a conversation. So stop calling people “thirsty” if you literally had half the responsibility in starting the interaction.
The Explosive Liberal/Conservative
These people constantly post articles, videos, and whatnot from hilariously biased sources.
Ya know, places like “Occupy Democrats”, “Silence is Consent”, “NextShark”, or “Under the Fridge”.
Strike that last one.
Anyway, they post stuff from heavily biased sources that give an equally biased spin on popular topics.
While that accounts for most of us, the “Explosive” element is where these people jump the shark.
The Explosive Liberal/Conservative has an incredibly short fuse when it comes to people disagreeing with them.
So much so, that any discourse will result in them completely losing their minds and unloading a typing tsunami of condemning buzzwords, such as “misogynist”, “snowflake”, “bigot”, “radical”, “elitist”, “racist”, “hippie”, “Nazi”, and “fascist”.
Most of which, I might add, are typically used incorrectly.
It doesn’t matter how respectful or warranted your objection might be, either.
The Explosive person loves placing people in two categories: “Agree with me entirely” or “You’re scum of the earth that needs to be destroyed”.
So it’s best to ignore them, or else they’ll go all “Hash Slinging Slasher” and throw overly-simplified labels at you.
Yeah–what he said.
The Ironic Misanthrope
The Ironic Misanthrope loves posting about how much they hate people and how often they’re alone….on their public social media accounts.
As completely counterintuitive as that might sound, these people totally exist.
…Or do they?
It’s hard to know for sure, because the Ironic Misanthrope is also very evasive when it comes to real life interaction.
They’ll post about how alone they are and how they don’t have anything to do with captions like “Solo dinners are the best <3” or “Home alone on Saturday night while everyone is out wasting money”, but ignore all the subsequent requests from others to hang out.
Some of you are probably thinking, “Hey, idiot, they could just be independent people who don’t need company from others”.
…But they somehow need attention from others? If they didn’t, then why post anything only to avoid real-life interaction? Are they stuck in The Matrix? They might be.
So, they basically don’t exist. Or they do, but you’ll never know because they hate people and are always alone. But they really like publically announcing that….as if they really want attention from others. But they don’t because they…hate everyone?
The “Woke” Imposter
Fans of South Park will recognize this one.
The Woke Imposter is someone who Virtue Signals how progressive and liberal they are, but usually with ulterior motives.
Some people are afraid of getting nuked online by the Explosive Liberals (see above), so they politely play along to avoid being labeled a bigot.
Some actually are problematic in their views (“Blue Lives Matter”, “Fuck Colin Kaepernick”, I Love SAO”), but have friends of marginalized communities, so they reblog liberal memes to throw people of their trail.
Which obviously is a better course of action than just realizing their views are flawed and trying to change them.
And then you have those people who only pretend to be woke to get more vagin/peen.
Oh, you didn’t know that was a thing?
Just think about it. “Woke” is in these days, and there are some scumbags out there who’ll only blow smoke of progressiveness in hopes that it’ll attract unsuspecting mates.
Like I mentioned earlier, South Park, already covered this, and much more cleverly than I ever could.
Anyway, beware Woke Imposters.
The Ghost has most social media accounts, followers, friends, and all that jazz.
…But they never actively participate in anything. Ever.
And it’s not like they have all these accounts and just ignore them, either. They’re online just as much as the rest of us, but they operate completely in the shadows.
The Internet shadows, if they exist. They probably do.
Anyway, The Ghost never comments.
Or gives a “like”.
They’re just….there. Watching, in what I can only call the Internet version of a parasocial relationship.
The really creepiest part, is that they’ll bring up shit you post and stuff when they see you in person, letting you know that they watch your entire life without you ever knowing.
Probably while rubbing their nipples, too.
The Ghost either completely has no clue how to use the Internet, or just isn’t interesting or inquisitive enough to ever play with the rest of us on The Wired.
It’s weird, but it’s also an IG follower that requires zero maintenance. So there’s that.
The Suddenly Outspoken Shy Person
Yeah, so, these are the people who are super funny, outspoken, and irreverent while in The Wired, but won’t ever display behavior anywhere near their online antics IRL (In Real Life).
Which is particularly annoying, because they say some really provocative and brow-raising shit online, about anyone and anything.
Now, you might be thinking that I’m one of these people, but just try to pull up on me before I talk some shit back and sock you straight in the face.
…I’m just kidding, but I’m pretty much the same person in real life. The people I’m alluding to are not.
They take the screen shield the Teh Interweb provides a bit too far, and think that they can can be and brave and boisterous as they want online.
And they can, but they’d better be ready to have the same boldness and bravery if ever encountered IRL.
Also–bonus points if you know who the above photo is of.
The Humble Bragger
Excuse my language, but the Humble Bragger is a piece of shit.
Instead of just saying “Hey, look at me!” like a normal person would, the Humble Bragger instead cloaks their obnoxious vanity in a mist of fake humility.
They start their posts with stuff like “Humbled to announce that…” or “It’s with great humility that I announce…” as if it’s going to soften the fact that they’re showing off.
It doesn’t. Quite hilariously, studies have shown that it does the opposite.
It actually pisses off people more when someone humble brags as opposed to regular bragging. It’s because people aren’t stupid and can see right through bullshit like someone “humbly” announcing a promotion to anyone who would listen.
And that’s not the worst part, either.
There seems to be a new breed of Humble Bragger, usually on LinkedIn, who like sharing stories of how polite they were to a bus driver or something like that, usually capped with some self indulgent nonsense like “you never know how a little politeness can brighten someone’s day”
Assuming that someone is miserable because of their working-class occupation and in need of your sympathy is astoundingly, hilariously self-indulgent.
General decency is not noteworthy, and the fact that Humble Braggers are so eager to share these stories just shows that their actions are only with their own interests in mind.
They don’t care as much about actually being a good person as much as they care about being viewed as one.
The Excited New Parent
Fuck your child.
In the end, we all suck. Just kidding–it’s only me who really sucks.
I’m a jaded asshole who mocks the very same society that I wish I could fit into, for the amusement of both myself and others.
But at least I don’t do so “humbly”.