By Damián León
Game of Thrones comes back on Sunday!
I’ve been sleeping with the book under my pillow (yes, I’ve got more neck problems than if I was dating Frank Ocean), and figured I’d give everyone a recap of how last season ended!
The official trailer gave us a nice format, so let’s use it.
(Most of the information is based on the show, but a few details are filled in from the books and may be changed in the new season.)
We start off with Cersei and Jaime Lannister in King’s Landing. (Circled above.)
Season 6 ended with Cersei blowing up the Sept of Baelor.
And with it the High Sparrow (fictional pope), Kevan Lannister (her uncle), Maergery Tyrell, Loras Tyrell, and Lord Tyrell.
These were the last people in King’s Landing putting a check on her power.
Her plan was to have full control of her son (the King), but he killed himself after realizing he’s the spawn of a Maleficent-wannabe.
So she proclaimed herself Queen of the Seven Kingdoms.
While Cersei was auditioning for the next shitty Huntsman movie, Jaime was crushing the rebels (insert Darth Vader breathing sounds).
Except he’s trying to be a better person, so he looks understandably pissed when he shows up in King’s Landing and sees all the shit Cersei did.
So they’re together in King’s Landing and Cersei starts rattling off about all the enemies they (read: she) has.
ENEMIES TO THE EAST
Daenerys has landed in Westeros, Storm’s End to be specific.
(FUCKING FINALLY. IT ONLY TOOK 21 YEARS.)
In S6 she killed off the Khal’s (the leaders of the Dothraki), and basically became Jesus to the savage brown people when they saw her survive the fire.
Then she set sail with her 12- er 6- Apostles.
She has the Dothraki (brown savages), her Unsullied (black slave soldiers), and her mercenaries.
On her way she also meets up with the Greyjoy and Tyrell fleets, so basically everyone supports/worships this blonde chick showing up to ruthlessly murder and conquer.
ENEMIES TO THE SOUTH
South of King’s Landing are The Reach and Dorne.
The Reach is the land of the Tyrell’s, and only Olenna’s immortal ass is still alive.
She’ll probably become irrelevant after giving her family’s army to Daenerys, but god damn it I want her snarky ass to burn Cersei worse than the wildfire did her grandchildren.
Dorne is the home of the Martell’s, and are currently led by Ellaria Sand (The Viper’s widow). She wants revenge for the death of her lover.
The Martell’s have also historically been close to the Targaryen’s, but I really think this is a war waged entirely for Pedro Pascal’s sexy ass.
ENEMIES TO THE WEST
To the West of King’s Landing are the the Iron Islands, currently led by the personification of fragile male egos.
Seriously, Euron Greyjoy (Uncle of Theon and Yara) is what happens when an awkward weeb grows up to be somewhat successful.
“I AM THE STORM.”
Melodramatic – Check.
God complex – Check.
No real life plan – Check.
Wants to marry the out of his league white girl – Check.
The only thing we know for sure is that he is rebuilding the Iron Islands’ fleet and raiding all of the western coast of Westeros, including Old Town where Samwell Tarly is currently studying to become a maester.
ENEMIES TO THE NORTH
Jon Snow and Sansa Stark killed (read: fed him to his dogs) Ramsay Bolton.
The Northern Lords proclaimed Jon the King in the North, and Sansa was all for it.
He was also revealed to be the son of Rhaegar Targaryen and Lyanna Stark, which means he’s the heir to the Iron Throne, Daennery’s nephew, and Sansa’s cousin.
The only hiccup there is that Littlefinger is still whispering in Sansa’s ear. He wants her to take ownership of The North for herself so that he can marry her and gain power through her.
Not creepy at all.
Oh and Arya is on a murder spree.