By UTF Staff
We (it was actually Shayne) thought March 2nd was National Reading Day.
It isn’t. That day is actually January 23rd.
HOWEVER, today is still the birthday of everyone’s favorite quack, Dr. Seuss.
So there. Take that, Wikipedia.
It’s also “Read Across America Day”, but due to recent events, nationalism can take a seat today.
Anyway, one of the most telling preliminary questions you could ever ask someone is what their favorite book happens to be.
There are two main reasons for this:
- You can find out whether they know how to read at all
- Books are written and created a lot more distinctly than movies or TV, since the latter two are distributed by money-hungry pigs.
However, some books are a lot more indicative of certain personality traits than others.
As such, the writers of Under the Fridge present What Your Favorite Book Says About You
The Harry Potter Series by J.K. Rowling
“I grew up in the 90s and my nostalgia’s more important than exploring new books.”
“I wore extra-large hoodies in middle school so I could carry my books in the front pocket.”
“I deny the existence of plot holes and/or Deux Ex Machinas in anything ever, ever. Any sort of odd plot convenience or suddenly existent power can be explained by magic because J.K. Rowling said so”
” In college I found all the people that never got their Hogwarts Acceptance Letters and we formed a Quidditch Team. None of us were very athletic, but there was that one kid that did track in high school and taught us drills to get better at running”
“I fantasize about J.K. Rowling being my mother.”
“Harry, Ron, and Hermione were my best friends. I made my mom take me to Target the day of each release so I could catch up on what they’d all been up to!”
“I subscribe to the reality that mediocre straight White men can be regarded as heroes even if their success is merely a product of everyone around them”
50 Shades of Grey by E.L. James
“I was a stupid Twilight fan during my teen years, and now I’m a stupid adult”
“I get turned on by things others would consider odd—including really, really bad writing”
“When it comes to actual romance, I’m about as lazy as how this book was written”
“I want people to think I’m promiscuous and exotic despite my real-world inexperience”
“I am a very bland human being who wants to seem exciting”
Any Obscure Book That Became a Popular Movie
“I live in Portland, San Francisco, or Austin”
“I recently found out that ‘The Godfather’ was a book and I’m now projecting my own ignorance on other people so I can seem edgy while simultaneously seeming well-read”
“I am a hipster”
“I like to talk about how the acclaimed movie was actually shitty in comparison to ‘profound masterpiece of literature’, thus elevating myself to feel better than I am by being able to condescend anyone who likes the movie”
“I’ll get really mad if I encounter someone else who has read this book”
The Catcher in the Rye by J.D. Salinger
“I stopped reading books in high school”
“I am a misogynist”
“I think that staying a relentlessly flawed person for the rest of my life is cool”
The Twilight Saga by Stephenie Meyer
“I’m a dumbass.”
“Guys will never fight over me like this, so I will take my despair and lose myself in the life I wished I had, with people I wish I knew, with a dress size I wish i could fit into.”
“”I was in a vaguely romantic situation once so I see myself in the star-crossed lover of a shiny, fictional demi-human.”
“I loved reading about Bella because she taught me that shy girls who only do things because boys force them to can be strong female leads!”
“I’m going to be single forever because my expectations are as unrealistic as the premise of this book. I’m also 14 years old. And if I’m not, then my understanding of romance is”
“I fell in love with Edward and his lack of emotional maturity despite being over 100 years old. “
“I know now that age is just a number, and I want someone to follow me and convince me of their love (as long as they’re an attractive white boy).”
The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho
“I enjoy traveling, and want everyone to know it. Like, everyone. Wanna see my vacation photos?”
“I am a narcissist who literally thinks the world gives a fuck about my life”
“My favorite drink is Kombucha”
“I’m at a crossroads in my life between happiness and doing the same shitty shit every day.”
“I will make sure this book is always visible while on a plane so people will think I’m worldly”
“I make decisions based on subjective cues without any regard for logic or general responsibility”
The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People by Stephen R. Covey
“I haven’t actually read this book, nor am I effective at all, but I want people to think that I am”
“I am a shitty sales manager”
“I work at a job I hate and am desperate for ways to improve my mental health”
“I love gathering advice without ever applying anything that actually requires effort”
“I work in Sales and my name is Shayne. Wait…fuck. Can I do this one over again? No? Hey, this is my fucking- wait! Wait!!!”
The Secret by Rhonda Byrne
“My life sucks”
“I already live an entitled life, and need justification for my privilege”
“I take horoscopes very seriously”
“I’m 40 years old and live a life of crushed dreams and regret”
The Art of War by Sun Tzu /
The 48 Laws of Power by Robert Greene
“I am a serial killer”
“I am in prison”
“I am a serial killer in prison”
“I am a pseudo-machivallian type aspiring to ruthlessness. I’m probably not from a big city, but I now live in one”
“My favorite movie is Scarface“
Oh, The Places You’ll Go! by Dr. Seuss
“I am over 30 years old and continue to make critical mistakes in life”
“I am a school teacher who literally hasn’t gone anywhere in over 10 years”
Infinite Jest by David Foster Wallace
“I am literally any White male in existence”
“I have read 3 sentences from this book”
“I think I’m smarter than everyone”
“I am a generic White male who works in Tech, owns a dog solely to bait Women, and has an Asian fetish”
“I hang up quotes from this book at my work desk while pretending to understand them”
“I consider David Foster Wallace the second coming of Jesus Christ”
Thanks for reading!
You triggered yet?
Never fear. The fact that you have a favorite book AT ALL puts you ahead of most muggles in this country.
Don’t forget to revisit some of your favorite books today, and let us know if there’s anything we missed in the comments.