Social Media is one of the many recent inventions that helps people to stay connected. It allows businesses to connect with consumers, celebrities to connect with fans, and families connect with one another.
However, with social media, one quote will always ring true “With great power, comes great responsibility”.
This is a guide for those of you who want to irresponsibly abuse this power.
Snapchat, Facebook, Instagram, and more have given you a platform to be as publicly insufferable as possible,and you intend on doing just that.
But have patience, young Padawan.
“It is not enough to do your best; you must know what to do, and then do your best”
I am here today to help teach you how to make everyone completely despise you online.
Here are 10 Ways to Make People Hate You on Social Media
1. Post “Video Selfies”
If you’re feeling especially good about yourself, and a normal self-indulgent photo selfie isn’t enough, take it up a notch by posting a Snapchat video of your face…and that’s it.
Be sure to have music playing in the background while you awkwardly sway to the beat and stare blankly at the camera.
And don’t you dare say anything. Just maintain an empty gaze, as if you were taking a picture. Which you are not…for some reason.
Bonus points for lip-syncing the lyrics that you only know half of:
2. Threaten people to unfollow you
Here’s an idea: tell everyone on your feed that they should unfollow you if they don’t like your posts.
Ignore the fact that they could easily do this without your permission at any time, and assert how little you care what they think. Then, watch the number of your friends plummet as you rejoice in empty satisfaction!
3. Broadcast how much you’re “Grinding”
Did you get up this morning and go to work or school like nearly everyone else you know?
Are you just barely meeting the minimum requirements of a normally functioning adult?
If so, then you have officially met the requirements for using the word “grinding”.
Now, you can tell everyone you’re on a constant “grind”.
Don’t wait for occasions where you push through an especially tough time in your life. That would be too understandable and make too much sense.
Instead, make it a daily habit to remind everyone that you’re grinding. Every. Single. Day.
And be sure to broadcast your productivity on every form of Social Media—the most counterproductive medium in recent history.
We all know that Social Media is a great tool for spreading political awareness, but I don’t remember there being a limit on how much you can do it.
Be sure to post and re-post absolutely anything you find on the internet that remotely aligns with your unapologetic opinions.
After all, how are you going to get your career as an Armchair Politician off the ground if you don’t blast your unfiltered thoughts at every opportunity you get?
That’s right. You won’t.
5. Post the worst memes you can find
“Knock-knock” jokes have been officially supplanted by memes as the most common form of humor, and it’s your job to supply your internet community with the most tasteless ones available.
Yes, everyone knows that this Minion picture has nothing to do with the tacky quote that’s been slapped over it, but that doesn’t mean that it isn’t a knee-slapper! How else are your friends going to know that you’re grumpy without morning coffee? Or that you are allergic to bullshit?
That’s how humor works: take a perfectly effective joke structure and ruin by making it offensive, nonsensical, and ultimately unfunny.
6. Turn your Snapchat Story into a reality TV show
Problem: nobody really cares about what you do in your everyday life.
Solution: narrate absolutely everything you do throughout your day to make everything more exciting! Don’t forget to always say things like “you guys” and “everyone” to trick viewers into thinking they’re part of a larger following.
Nothing says “I’m important and have many fans” more than pretending to be super important, without any actual fans.
7. Tell everyone how much you go to the Gym
Make a habit of posting a picture or video of you in the gym every single time you go. Otherwise, people will forget that you’re a semi active person, and will think less of you. Be sure to continue doing this 6 months after you’ve started working out, too.
One post isn’t enough, either.
People have the attention span of a goldfish, so you’ll need to post a picture of you driving to the gym, working out on a machine, and your post workout meal to further broadcast your unwarranted sense of superiority.
8. Smother everyone with your relationship
Thoroughly display your non-existent self-esteem by broadcasting a new relationship 5 seconds after it starts.
Never mind that you’ve known this person a whole 2 weeks: this is the love of your life, and definitely not a simple pawn for you to live out your romantic fantasies with.
Even though you technically have all the time in the world to do “coupley” things, you need to do as many as you can in the least amount of time possible to prove your bond’s strength to
Otherwise, your infatuation will run out and you’ll realize how incompatible you both actually are.
That’s how romance works. Duh.
Confrontations on TV dramas sure are engaging, right?
Now, imagine one of these scenes, but you can only hear one person speaking? How fun would that be?
Well, you don’t have to wonder anymore!
The next time you’re having a conflict with someone in your life, use social media as a way to address it in the most passive-aggressive way possible.
Statuses or tweets like “I’m over it…”, “Can’t trust anyone…”, and “On to the next one” are some perfect, completely indirect ways to let a specific person know how you feel about them!
Ignore the fact that about 987 of your friends don’t have the slightest clue as to what you’re talking about. You need your petty satisfaction, and this ONE person needs to know about it!
10. Brag about how anti-social you are
While spending yet another Saturday night alone, make yourself feel better by telling everyone how much you hate people and social gatherings.
That way, they’ll all realize how cool you are for watching Netflix all day instead of spending time with actual human beings.
Besides, social interaction involves taking the risk of people rejecting you, and TV will never reject you, so why bother?
You can’t have FOMO if there’s nothing to miss out on, right?
It obviously isn’t enough to just…ya know, not go to these things, either. You have to ironically broadcast how reclusive you are–using the most social invention ever.
11. Broadcast your stupid blog
Everyone knows that….wait, what?
12. Think you’re innocent of annoying habits because you’re self aware
What the….I never said I was innocent!
13. Be a jerk
Cut it out!
14. Write to yourself like a maniac.
Alright, that’s enough!
…Thanks for reading.
Shayne Paladin spends far too much time on Social Media. Obviously.